Can You Predictably Recover from Setbacks?

Can You Predictably Recover from Setbacks?

Knowing everything will work out in the end may open up opportunities that you’ve only dreamed about achieving. 

Last time we explored a thought exercise used to evaluate what you really want in life and testing if you actually already have it. This week we will look at the fourth question on Tim Ferriss’ 17 Questions to Test the Impossible. 

“4. What are the worst things that could happen? Could I get back here?”

Fear-setting/fear-rehearsal…do it.

We covered this in a prior article on working through Fear-setting and Fear-rehearsal. Take something you worry about, dissect it to find your real vulnerability, then get out there an evaluate it. I am still selling hard that this is one of the most therapeutically valuable ideas there is. It is the backbone of the Exposure Response Preventiom therapy we use to treat phobias and OCD. Of course makes a fear-based thought exercise would look like anxiety treatment! In fact, you might even consider fear and anxiety to be on a spectrum of each other. 

Fear/shyness/hesitancy/worry are all normal everyday experience. Anxiety is a diagnosis word that connotes a pathological level of symptomatology. They are probably the same mental process but one is less held in check by positive mechanisms. Improve your checks and you may not be pathological anymore. 

Can I do more than survive?

One concern I have with fear-setting and rehearsal is that it may perpetuate an unhealthy status quo. If I can build up a tolarance to adversity I can withstand most anything. That’s a great strategy to be able to navigate micro-adversity. It allows you to put the worry out of your mind and get through today. However, long term tolerance of macro adversity may not be somewhere you want to stay. 

I’m going to call macro adversity the a long term challenge that will not resolve itself without some effort by those involved. This problem won’t blow over with time. Macro adversity involves a degree of personal perspective here. Losing your job may be macro for one person and micro for another. Maybe I am confident I will get a job in a week: micro adversity. Maybe instead I am confident I have almost a year of job hunting ahead of me: macro adversity. Many variables can contribute to that difference. The least of which being a persons own sense of resilience. 

I would not want to tell someone “take this risk, it may lead to years of hardship but it’s okay, you’ve proven to yourself you can handle years of hardship.” I would want to say “take this risk because we’ve identified the worst case scenario and developed a plan for how you can get back to today in a reasonable amount of time.” That’s a bit of next-level fear rehearsal so let’s dive in to see if we can extract more meaning. 

Being Stuck

I work with a lot of people that would describe themselves as being stuck. It seems more common as people get older and worry about not being competitive in the job market. They feel that the quality of having kids and a mortgage will make companies not want to hire them. Therefore they live in a system of “stay here at all costs.” 

I don’t have a sense of what degree of cognitive distortion this may be. Age-discrimination is probably something for our society to address. Is it true that if the average business considers two people with the same skill set they would hire away from the older, person with a family? That’s a great recipe for sealing the fate of our mid-life demographic to functional decline. 
People also seem to feel stuck if there is a dream out there they cannot access. Today may not be so bad necessarily. However that may not matter if the grass over there looks SO green and includes a pool and cabana with drink service. Our discovery last week may have unearthed just such a conflict. 

If these stuck people knew they could take chances because they were confident in their recovery ability what would they do?

Getting Back

Here’s how to work through planning your Get Back System. It’s a lot like the classic stories of dropping bread crumbs to find your way home. If you were on a hike and thought “I bet there’s an amazing view two peaks away, but there’s no trail” would you just set off and figure out how to get back later? What if I could guarantee you will return to this exact point, now would you go? 

Step 1- Where are you getting back to?

There’s no point in developing a plan to get back if “here” isn’t where you ever want to be again. Though I will argue, if you are “here” today we can reasonably assume it is somewhat workable. Of course that won’t be accurate for everyone. Regardless, answer these questions to help evaluate where you want to get back to being: 

How will I know when I am back? What does it look like? What are my definitions of here?

It may be income, a home, maybe even a family or relationship. There are no parameters of expectation. You are deciding the future so you have total control over what you decide constitutes getting back here. 

Step 2- Where are you going?

Going back to the hiking analogy, if you want to bust off-trail and walk randomly into the woods, cool. However your ability to get back is going to be significantly limited compared to a person who says “I’m going over there.” In fact, you could argue that guy who says “I’m just going to go and see where I end up” will still actually be making a number of smaller directionals decisons. In that way why not increase your likelihood of having a good experience by setting some sense of your goal. 

Now I know many people will still answer “I have no idea where I am going.” That’s probably an assumption brought on by some internal resistance to listening to your own desires. I really believe we all know where we want to go at all times. We just vary in our ability to hear that voice or to trust it when we do. 

Step 3: Define the Space in Between

As with going off-trail on a hike, what does the terrain look like on the way to your destination? Are certain routes there easier than others? Where does your path need to go to get there? 

For example, maybe you really want to have a go with acting but worry that if you drop everything for LA you’ll never make it back to a six-figure career. If you could guarantee you’d have that exact job jack would you go? Anoehrt question would he: knowing what you know now, how would you get your job again? Maybe you can talk to your employer and understand what the terms of return could be. You may be surprised by how much a company will extend themselves to bring back someone who is good at their job. Recruitment is expensive. 

There may also be steps involved. If your acting career flamed out, does an intermediate job get you out of waiting tables and into a positive income trajectory? Is there a training piece that would need to be in place or maybe a license you need to maintain?

I will warn here- if your recovery/get back plan starts with “I can just go back to school” I would highly recommend reconsidering your timing. I’ve mentioned before that for some people, getting degrees represents this way of spinning wheels to avoid having to commit. You often mortgage time and money from future-you to achieve this. Worse is the reality that very few jobs need a specific degree and many people can achieve their industry-specific learning by working. I might argue you have a better chance of the same job by of working your way up in four years than you would competing as a new hire in an open-market hiring process. 

Step 4: Go Practice

This is fear-rehearsal all over again. If there’s a part of your recovery plan you think is integral and you aren’t sure you can do it, go try it for a day. If you would need to move to a lower cost of living area and live in a smaller home, go rent an AirBnB there. If there’s a job you will need to save the day, can you volunteer or shadow in that industry for a day and get a sense of it? If it’s money, can you set out to use your current skills to increase your current income by exactly the rate you’d need to “get back”. 

If your recovery plan involves proving you can make money, I wouldn’t try to use your current job to increase income. Doing overtime isn’t the same as working from scratch. I would want to see you get a side gig that can at least show the promise of making X income if you carried it out. Lyft, Uber, and TaskRabbit are just a few examples of part- time work you can do to get a feel of the hustle of making a living. 

I highly recommend focusing on remote work here as it can give you a minimum overhead opportunity with a high degree of flexibility. If I’m starting out with nothing you better believe I am renting a room in an apartment in a cheap city with no state income tax but then trying to access work remote work from companies in high COL areas. Leverage. 

Summary

Knowing where you are is great. If you are like most people, where you are is a temporary condition on your way to something else. Part of the challenge of going from here to there is being sure you won’t get lost. There are ways to formalize that concern and mitigate your risk. By defining it and creating a system for recovery you may be able to set out on the journey of a lifetime. 

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Fear-rehearsal: Train Yourself to Withstand Anything

Fear-rehearsal: Train Yourself to Withstand Anything

Fear is a perception relative to one’s confidence that everything will be okay.

On one end of the spectrum are Phobias, while daredevils exist on the opposite side. The only difference between them is the relationship between past experience and future expectation. To a person with a phobia of driving, every person hauling to work across the Golden Gate Bridge is Evil  Knievel. Alternatively Jimmy Chin is not overly concerned with sleeping in a basket on a granite cliff-face, in a storm, after climbing for 4 days in a row.

Fear-rehearsal, as introduced in Tim Ferriss’ book Tools of Titans, is what we therapists call Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy. In the last post we discussed the first step in ERP: defining your fear. The method here is that if you can progressively introduce yourself to a fear-trigger you can eventually overcome it. Along the way you are honing your skills for distress tolerance, mindfulness, and coping. It’s kind of like saying you want to bench your body weight so you start increasing the weight on the bar by 5 lbs a month. (Look! It’s that small steps thing again. That must be really important.)

The best example of fear-rehearsal in Tools of Titans is Rolf Potts’ section and his book Vagabonding: An Uncommon Guide to World Travel. Rolf is committed to sharing the value of testing assumptions and expanding our portfolio of experiences. Similar to Andrew Zimmern and food, Rolf doesn’t want us to miss out on all the world can offer.  Not only for the experience but for the growth-potential as a human.

What I love most about Rolf’s approach to travel is that it is developed to allow any human to do it at any moment in time. It’s a method you can adapt to your opportunities. You can vagabond this weekend for a single day without question. I get a little frustrated when self-help guys (which Rolf is not) offer answers that the general person cannot afford. “Find wellness inside this cryotherapy device that costs thousands of dollars.” Gee, thanks. For me, don’t even talk about those ideas. Tell me how to do it in my home tonight.

Another reason I think that Vagabonding is a great prescription for fear-rehearsal is that in our society money is a very significant component of a wide-array of fears. Work stress. Being a provider for one’s family. Projecting future prosperity. Engagement of fun, leisure and wellness. Money can have some impact on each of these and many others. If we can insulate ourselves from that fear we can find freedom and power.

In America’s capitalism-driven society we tend to answer any question involving money with the idea to make more. While that can work it creates a “have to” mentality and exposes us to not being able to retreat. I love how The Art of War informs this in emphasizing how important it is that a general not fear retreat. You are the general of your life. If you refuse to retreat you will lose the battle.

Vagabonding and Tools of Titans then are both emphasizing the need to practice retreating. Fear-setting is exactly that. If I lost my job tomorrow what would my life look like? Can I go practice that? Rolf has found more value in his travels walking around looking for a cafe full of old locals than he has on organized tours or site seeing. He also loves the experience of getting lost in a city with no agenda or plan. The best part is that both of these ideas are free and they can be done in Paris just as easily as they can in Fresno.

Rolf sells big on the idea that taking sabbaticals is a great way to achieve vagabonding. However I challenge that day-long sabbaticals are a great place to start. They are called “days off” and we have them every week (hopefully). What I will do now is work through how a person might approach setting up a vagabonding sabbatical for one day. I will do this through the character of Ellen.

Ellen is very unhappy with her life and feels trapped. She isn’t quite sure what would bring joy to her life. However she is fairly certain her job keeps her from it. When talking with her family about her situation she often finds herself saying “I just wish I could…”.

What follows from there is an idea that is then quickly defeated by “…but I can’t.”

Ellen did her fear-setting exercises. She is worried that if she leaves this job she will have to start at the bottom again. She has student loans to pay, a hefty health insurance payment, not to mention an emotional debt to herself for “failing”. Ultimately there is also a movie playing in the background of her mind that this job is the only think keeping her from joining Viggo Mortensen on “The Road”.

Effectively Ellen’s fear of these catastrophic outcomes is stronger than her disdain for her quality of life. For some reason it is easier to trade her own happiness to avoid an unrealistic, imaginative scenario. However, in her mind it is realistic and actual. So great, let’s call her fear’s bluff.

Ellen’s fear-assumptions exist in two spheres:

1. “It’s Not Possible For Anyone” Assumption– financial burden of health insurance and loans is not modifiable.

To beat this Ellen could contact her health insurance company to learn the income qualifications for state-funded insurance. She can contact her student loan provider to understand the requirements for low-income repayment plan.

Doing this she may find that if she lost all her income and got a minimum-wage, full-time job she could qualify for health insurance at $1 a month after tax credits. Sure she may end up with out-of-pocket costs that exceed her income, but she may be able to negotiate that down. Regardless she’d have health insurance.

Her student loans are similar. If she got that minimum-wage job at a  non-profit or government job she could make income-based payments for 10 years and be done with them. At 10% of a minimum-wage salary it would be tough but not the end. She may decide that a few years of no payment due to economic hardship may be worth the accrued interest if it really came to it.

Now she has some solid numbers. If she lost her job she would be looking at living off around $17000 a year after taxes.
2. “I Can’t” Assumption- I need my current lifestyle.

Now with some parameters in front of her, Ellen can set off on testing what she really “can’t” do. This part involves intentionally getting a little bit uncomfortable. Almost any lasting gain achieved in life comes on the back-end of tolerable, planned discomfort. This is the foundation of fitness training. It is why rags-to-riches stories happen. Chris Sacca talks about this “sweet and sour” in Tools of Titans. Rolf Potts and Tim Ferriss intentionally create it. Though Rolf’s is less directly therapeutic in design.

What Ellen needs to do is figure out what life on $17k is like. What is life on $1400 a month like? What is life on $50 a day like? One thing is for sure, she will likely be leaving the Bay Area. If she held to the tenet of spending 20% of income on housing she would be looking for a $350 a month room. Well now hold on… that’s an assumption.

Ellen should start with finding out how to sleep on $50 a day in SF. Take out the cash, clear the calendar on a Saturday, leave the cell phone at home, grab a photo ID, and go live. It’s funny how the idea of doing this in your home town may sound silly but if I said to do it in Madrid it would be novel. We often overlook the opportunity to be a tourist in our own space.

As Rolf Potts advocates, find ways to be a tourist without using money to create opportunity. Couchsurfing could allow Ellen to see what free housing may mean. How would she transform meals if she needed to eat for under $10? Would Rolf’s idea of meeting strangers offer opportunities to expand her people-skills? What amazing things could she find if she just got lost in her home town?

As we said, one reality Ellen may find is that the Bay Area is not a place that helps people “get by”. In this regard Ellen should research lower cost of living places. Once she finds it, take a vacation there. Go vagabonding. Start in the city center and walk concentric circles around the area. Spend the time observing the subtle things about her surroundings to learn what it would feel like to be a local here. Contrast that life to her own and explore what differences are tolerable and intolerable.

This will open up new questions. What does she really NEED to get-by in a place she lives? Maybe she decides it’s access to open water. “I could sit by the beach every day for free!” Where could she live near an ocean or lake and not be subject to being broke? Maybe she wants to be able to work somewhere that affords her benefits like free travel or recreation. What would being it mean to be an Amtrak employee or work at a ski resort? How about a gym? Each of these are questions she could answer by practicing them for a day or two. Even practicing an entry-level job can be figured out if you set your mind to it.

You’ll never find out without trying it. You’ll never know what you’re missing until you do.

A few notes need to be made here. One is safety. Obviously we aren’t saying that facing your fears means that you need to expose yourself to danger. Be very careful how you set your plan up. You don’t win any points for taking this more aggressive. The goal is not to endure hardship but to realize it’s not as hard as you thought. “Too hard” means not sustainable and will likely further entrench your fear. While spending a night on Skid Row could test some assumptions, it could go very bad as well so it’s not worth the potential upside.

The other is that our example of Ellen is used to illustrate how you can go about breaking down a fear and practicing it. It’s not so say everyone needs to rough it on $50 to be happy. We used vagabonding as a framework. Use her example as an equation- take your fear, break it down into components, then get out there and test them. Small incremental steps.

On the back-end of this exercise you will confidently be able to tell your mind- “you’re wrong, I can do this.”

Fear-setting or Why Yoda Was a Terrible Therapist

Fear-setting or Why Yoda Was a Terrible Therapist

I sometimes like to imagine that characters in movies are my patients. How would I get Will Hunting to work through his stuff without having the “you don’t want to hear that Skyler” conversation (because you know after his little meltdown the moment he showed up in Palo Alto she said “not another stalker!” and called campus security)? Or maybe where would I start with Frank Berkman (Squid and the Whale) to undo the impact of a being raised by a “filet” of a father and a brother who was so narcissistic he would start his own social media empire and then become a super villain?

In that way, how could I help Luke so he leaves Degobah a Jedi rather than needing to sacrifice his arm and letting Han Solo get all Teeglo Carboned.

The missed treatment moment happened on Degobah. It was Yoda’s fault. Hopefully we all remember the greatest scene in Empire Strikes Back. Maybe the only legitimate “I got the tingles” moment in all the movies.

Let’s set the scene. Luke happens upon his X-wing deep in the bog of Degobah. His new boy, Yoda, is like “dude ain’t no thang, I lift X-wings out of bogs in my sleep.” Luke, as he does, is like, “green dude, chill. First you ate my food but I let that go. Then you made me eat that nasty soup and bump my head. Then you creeped me out with that maniacal ‘you will be’ look.”  So Luke has a go. He fails.

“You ask the impossible.”

Yoda doesn’t need to hear that noise. He sets out to show this young buck what’s up. Not only does he pull the X-wing out of the water but he also conducts a sweet orchestral overture at the same time.

“I don’t believe it.”

“That is why you fail.”

Luke’s failure was a concert of poorly executed techniques by old Master Passice Voice. What Luke needed was some serious Fear-setting and Fear-rehearsing.

Tim Ferriss introduces Fear-setting and Fear-rehearsing in two separate chapters in Tools of Titans. This week we will tackle fear-setting and next week we will do fear-rehearsal

Fear-setting is the process of really identifying what you are afraid of and breaking it down. In psychotherapy we call this naming or bringing the subconscious into the conscious. Generally if we are anxious (anxiety being the cognition of an overestimation of a threat or underestimation of your resources to handle the threat) there is something we haven’t realized. Something important lies in our unconscious, running the show. Outside of frank psychotic disorders and organic brain impairment, we only do things that work for us and make sense. Even our anxiety is a manifestation of some tried and true method at work. If you can name your fear then you can work with it.

The question is do you want it to work that way? Do you want it to continue?

Tim’s fear-setting is broken into 7 questions. He recommends verbose, cathartic writing on each. The more you spew the more likely you are to find the thing you didn’t realize.

1. Define your nightmare

He has a number of other smaller questions but I think the most valuable is “what is the worst case scenario?” It’s like a Rude Goldberg machine. Work your way backwards and you’ll find the origin of your fear. Look for unproven assumptions because your anxiety is likely hiding behind them. We often call these assumptions “absolutes” or “all-or-nothing statements”. Words like “can’t”, “won’t”, “must/have to”, “need”, “always”. Use your own language as a radar for assumptions.

Another way I like to approach it is to assume that all fear is either a conscious or unconscious fear of death. If you follow any worry you will find a death end point eventually. That step is important because you may need to assess your pattern of death-avoidance. This will be important later for fear-rehearsal. For example, if money is the root of your anxiety, somewhere down the line is likely a fear of starvation which can cause death. If public speaking makes you anxious there is likely a fear of embarrassment which is then a fear that all those laughing mouths of teeth will try to kill you.

Our perceived weakness activates our fear of being terminated. It’s all very Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. When a need is perceived to not be met or forecasts a future of unmet status we react. It’s also evolutionary as other species generally see such “weakness” as a deal-breaker for mating. For non-human organisms, there is no other purpose than to propagate your gene pool. When your mind thinks death is on the horizon it may turn on your fight-or-flight system. At an extreme we call that a Panic Attack.

So sit down and try to be honest with yourself. There’s no point in censoring your fears on the paper. It’s not going to judge you. If you can’t name it, it won’t get better. Keep following the fear-logic until it makes sense. If you haven’t reached a death-nightmare outcome you aren’t on the right track yet.

2. What steps could you take to repair the damage?

Ah ha!  Now let’s assess the part of your anxiety that is an “underestimation of resources to handle the threat”. This process may again involve a lot of “I can’t” or feeling that repair isn’t possible. That’s your anxious mind hiding answers from you so that it can maintain control of the situation. Anxiety is also a habit of inserting the worst case scenario into ambiguous situations. Your anxiety likes things remaining ambiguous. That’s it’s wheelhouse. You likely developed your anxiety as a compensatory mechanism for not have a more effective way of tolerating ambiguity. Remember, your mind thinks it is saving your life. It doesn’t want to stop.

One way I like to motivate this creative process is to put some collateral on the hypothetical table. If the worse case scenario happened and you had to repair it in 24 hours what would you do? If you don’t repair it, you will die. Another approach is to consider that $10 million awaits if you can repair it in 24 hours.

This requires you to believe anything is possible. When your mind finds things impossible, behind that you are unlikely to find something you never considered. You need to believe in unicorns. This mindset is present in all of the Titans in Tools of Titans. 

3. What are the more probable outcomes?

This is a really cool exercise. We use it a lot in Cogntive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Your mind has latched onto the worst case scenario. It is assuming “as long as that bad thing doesn’t happen we will be okay”. Sure. True. Your anxiety won’t let you forget or ignore the potential of the worst case. If it did, so it thinks, it would welcome ruin through the front door. How can you distract your mind away?

Again, unless you define your answers you risk it only living in your subconscious. Task your brain with generating other hypotheticals. What other outcomes are on the table? What does it take for you to find these other ideas? You may need to get really silly and creative here because to this point the answers are being hidden from you by your subconscious defense mechanisms. Saying “go write them” is almost pointless. Again try externalizing it by pretending it’s someone else, ask other people for ideas, look for analagous examples on your life, or if all else fails just free associate on a page. It’ll come. 

This analysis is usually a big moment for self-exploration in therapy. Why the hell does your brain only offer you the worst and totally neglect the likely? Where did you learn to do it that way? Why does it persist and optimism fade away? I want to put about a 100% guarantee that if you look back through your life you will find a person or a time when life gave you a reason to buy into this system.

There is also a very big mindfulness opportunity here. In mindfulness, the worse case is as important as the best case is as important as the mid-level case scenario. So why not get REALLY good at controlling which one your mind focuses on? Why not focus instead on the wind on your face, the sound of your air conditioner or even your breath.

Yep we are talking meditation here. We will talk more about it eventually. For now- DO IT!

4. If you were fired from your job today, what things would you do to get things under financial control?

This isn’t only useful for job related worries. By answering this question you will create a risk-management plan. It’s good to have that in your back pocket. Can I convince you that you can improve anxiety by knowing which state or county in your area has the highest unemployment payment relative to cost of living? When we get to fear-rehearsing, can I convince you that going on vacation to that place and living off that amount of money will help you mitigate the worst-case avoidance?

The gift of being able to say “I will be alright, no matter what” may be the best anti-anxiety treatment there is.

5. What are you putting off out of fear?

This is probably the toughest question so far because it is really asks you to tap into your subconscious. If you are lucky, you have an answer: “I’ve been meaning to ask my boss for a raise but I’m too afraid he’ll say ‘no'”. However you may not have this kind of luxury of realizing you are doing it. Instead it will be marked by thoughts of “I have no idea how to…” or “It’s not even possible”.

In this space I like to externalize the problem solving. Try to find a similar scenario in your life and compare your problem-solving approach. This will flank your subconscious because it won’t realize you are solving your first problem by proxy. A more valuable action step would be to let other people solve it for you. I recommend not telling them it is your problem. People tend to go easy on us when we ask them for direct help. However “I have a friend who is really unhappy with his job and wants to move but doesn’t think it’s possible” should get you some raw answers. The use of advisors is also a near 100% factor for the people Tim has interviewed. It’s also in every classic personal/professional development book. It’s one of the reasons therapy works.

All problems are completely modifiable if you are willing and open to exploring all avenues. Including your own role in enabling the problem to continue.

6. What is it costing you- financially, emotionally, physically- to postpone action?

This is where it gets real. You are going to be exploring how much of your unhappiness is your fault. So to speak. You need to assess how much self-loathing you can tolerate. You may want to keep this to objective measures. Money, time, etc. That’s usually the most emotionally palatable landscape. However it is also a defense mechanism we call Intellectualization.

If you want to see change, you need to get uncomfortable. There’s a reason all athletic performance training requires some process of going past your current barriers to see improvement. It’s also the driving force of evolution- adaptation to stress. So yeah, try to test your emotionally comfortable limits on this one.

A less masochistic approach would be to get in touch with your Future Self. I like to think about this in terms of the Many-Worlds interpretation of Quantum Mechanics. Somewhere out there, according to the theory, there is a version of you that has solved this problem. What is their life like? Who are they? How are you different? Try to get very specific with this. The more excited and emotional you can get about this future version of you, the more you will engage that childhood-dreaming mechanism that is so powerful. Kelly McGonigal does a great job of exploring this in The Willpower Instinct. 

7. What are you waiting for?

I’m so glad Tim closes with this. So far this exercise has created some challenge but in and of itself it has not taken you to your goal. Only one thing will do that- doing SOMETHING.

You may notice that this is not a thought exercise. It is almost a rhetorical question. However there is a process here if you like. It may be somewhat helpful to define the cognitions that you are using to delay action. There is certainly another pattern in there somewhere.

I first latched onto this idea after reading Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. He focuses on an idea of taking action RIGHT NOW and give it everything you’ve got. Tony Robbins has a similar method where he likes to utilize the system shock of getting out of your head and creating physical motion. There’s a reason two of the more prominent self-help guys have a similar approach. It works.

This doesn’t mean you need to fix the problem now. That’s too much pressure on yourself. Remember, one small step is all you need. But a step is needed.

What can you do today? What can you do in the next 30 seconds that will take you one step to your goal? If you just answered “all the steps I need to do take longer than 30 seconds” you are missing the point. Break it down. Make it small. Do something. Now.

Can I convince you that opening and closing up your laptop one time with the verve and optimism of your Future Self achieves more progress than you have seen otherwise?

Let’s go back to our case study: the burgeoning Jedi and his frustrated and bruised teacher.

When Yoda meets Luke he spends some time assessing his fear-setting capability. Luke fails, big time. “If we could get our ship out we would, but we can’t.” “I don’t know what I’m doing here. We’re wasting our time.” It almost cost Luke his training. Good thing Obi-wan was there to normalize the situation.

Yoda is no stranger to fear. We’ve all heard his lecture on Advanced Fear Psychology. “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” That’s a pretty awesome breakdown of anxiety and suboptimal coping!

It would have helped for Luke, after being eeriely told he will be afraid, to sit down and talk through what fear was there. We already know Luke has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old (“but I was going to go to the Toshi Station to pick up some power converters”). He needed kid gloves. Or whatever gloves a three finger Jedi Master wears.

Luke is an orphan. He spat on the grave of his dead foster parents by following that crazy old man on some damned adventure. Everyone he gets close to dies (mom, dad, foster mom and dad, Obi, Biggs, evil step-grandpa, Yoda, Han). He kissed his sister (okay he didn’t realize that she was his sister yet, and she kissed him, but you’re telling me two Force-aware beings can liplock and not notice anything? Especially the twin offspring of a being derived by the Force. Ever notice Luke took the news of going to Degobah pretty easily. I guarantee he knew he needed to get out of there quick after that kiss. Plus Han claimed his territory and had a good 25 pounds on Luke. Ask me sometime about my theory that Rey is the accidental love child of Obi-wan and Sabé).

It stands to reason Luke has some cognitive distortions to work through. By naming his fear, his assumptions about his lack of skill with the Force (dude kept dropping things, including his master), and what might happen if the worst case came true he might have been better off. You’re telling me that in 800 years of training Jedi Yoda doesn’t have a few tips on how to return from the Dark Side?

Yoda needed to help Luke do some fear-setting… er, some setting-fear with Luke, Yoda needed.

Yoda did try some fear-rehearsal when he sent him into the Dark Side Cave. A little heads up might have been helpful. We will talk more about setting up a fear-rehearsal next week.

For now, suffice it to say, don’t seek out a Jedi master for therapy.